I have never had a doubt the church wasn't true. I know it is. I know with every fiber of my being and have known ever since I was small. I guess being raised by my parents being strong members of the church and being around family and friends that share the same believe and love for our Heavenly Father and Savior make it easier to know from a young age.
I don't know when my true conversion is of when I knew for a fact that the gospel was true. But I will share a time of strong reassurance.
It was March 27, 2013. I remember this day very well. It was the day I left Levi. I was at my lowest point, scared to death, not knowing why all this had to be and why I had to go through such a horrible thing for the past 5 and a half years of my life and why did my three kids have to be dragged into it.
I remember Grandpa always saying, "Smith's never quit." (Hence, Smith's never get divorced) That night as I was kneeling down crying and praying I remember being angry with my Heavenly Father. I remember asking why. WHY?! Why did I stay so long in such an abusive relationship, why did my kids have to be brought into it, why was I so scared, why do I have to be the one to go through all of this? I am was not a quitter but I could only do so much and I couldn't even safe my own marriage. I had quit something.
The next morning I woke up shocked that I actually didn't have a restless night's sleep with all that was going on. I know I had a dream about something but yet I had no recollection of what it was. What I did know is that I had a strong and clear understanding of why. I know that I had to go through all of that because of my 3 kids. I had to stop the abuse cycle through his line of the family even if it was with only 3 children. I knew that I would be the one to make that change as long as I stayed strong in the gospel, follow the council given by our prophets, apostles and other church leaders. Never again will I be angry with my Heavenly Father because I know that there is a plan for everyone of us. Whatever trial we are given He knows that we can get through it. He is molding us and preparing us for when we can be back home with Him.
I love the gospel more then anything in this world! Of all the uncertainties in this mortal existence, it is the one thing that will never change. It is my anchor, my rock, my light in the darkness, my hope. I love the word hope. Hope keeps me going.
In the dictionary, hope is defined as:
"a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen".
Sometimes hope is all we can have. Even when we don't know what else to do, never ever ever lose hope.
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