I owe much of the person I am today to
my beautiful parents. At a very young age, they instilled in me a love
for Jesus Christ and this gospel, which only grew the older I got. I
remember during my middle school and high school years that night time was my
"spiritual time". I always made sure I listened to church music
before I went to sleep or that I read my scriptures. I would hide my scripture
reading calendar under my bed and I always locked my door because I didn't want
anyone to know. I didn’t want to be caught reading my scriptures or
praying. I don't know why I was so embarrassed and why I hid my true
feelings about the gospel. I didn't want my parents or family to know
that the gospel meant everything to me. To this day, I still don't
understand why I was like that. Though sometimes I still struggle to
openly talk about my feelings and my testimony about this church, I have no
problem typing it and letting you all know the whole story of
my deliverance...
It was the summer of 2005 and I had
just finished my junior year of high school in Brandon, Florida. We then
moved right before my senior year to Fort Campbell, Kentucky and I was
completely devastated. I felt like I had so much going for me back in Florida.
I was a part of a competitive baton twirling team and singing group, there was
a certain boy I did not want to leave, and my church ward was amazing. There
were so many youth who all became my very best friends. I was heartbroken
to leave all that behind. Fort Campbell had no baton twirling and the
high school choir just stunk. I remember going to my very first
Wednesday night mutual feeling excited that maybe I will make some
friends, but I was the only one who showed up. I decided to join the
soccer team but I still felt lonely. I remember during one of the games,
while I was running around and chasing the ball that I started to get teary eyed
because I still felt so alone. One night after that I had had enough. As
usual I locked my door, and I got down on my knees and told my Heavenly Father
everything. My pain was immense. The second I was done, all the
pain went away. And it never came back.
It was a miracle. I ended up becoming best friends with the homecoming
queen, and we had a wonderful senior year! I became great friends with some of
the youth in the stake, and it seemed like life was coming back together for
me. That prayer. That simple prayer, changed my life. It reaffirmed
to me more than anything that He is real and listening.
Back to that summer before my senior
year...Harrison was months away from going on his mission so I had the
privilege of spending lots of time with him and mom and dad. I was still
sad from leaving Florida and I felt like I was very negative at the time.
Harrison was so sweet to me and I could tell he would try to cheer me up. Well
spiritually at this time I knew I was struggling yet being able to spend time
with Harrison was a God send. Not only did that prayer save my life that
year, but my brother did as well. I don't think he knows how much of a
difference he made in my life that summer and how he made me realize that I
needed to change for the better. Every night before we went to sleep,
Harrison and I would stay up late, and we would talk. Well mostly he
would talk and I would listen. He just talked about life and the gospel
and of everything good. I remember one particular night he said something
that hit me hard. So hard, that I knew I had to change. I knew I had to change that very second.
Though I can't recall what he told me, all I know is that it was life changing
for me. From then on, I decided I didn't want to go to college in
Florida anymore to be closer to "that boy" but that BYU-Idaho was the
place for me. Since then the gospel got more real for me and the tiny
seed in my heart was growing. I think back on those days with a smile on
my face. Sometimes I wonder where I would be today if I didn't have those
spiritually uplifting talks with my brother. That prayer. Those
talks. My brother. All life changing. Looking back that move
was one of the greatest blessings of my life.
I
look back at that summer thinking that the pain I felt then is nothing compared
to the pain I have felt since. I have felt such sorrow and such
heartbreak. I have felt so low and so insignificant. I have cried
more tears of sadness than I would have liked.
Yet as hard as it has been, I am grateful for the struggles I have
had. These struggles that have given me
a fraction of a glimpse of what the Savior went through. These struggles that have not only made me
feel closer to Him but have also wanted me to make sure that I make each second
of my life count. Each second of pain
Christ went through for me, I want to make sure I make it up to Him by simply
being the person He would want me to be.
Last father’s
day I decided to read grandpas writing called 10 Seconds until Dawn. It
was 2.5 hours of my life that I will never forget. I laughed (especially about his disgust with squash,
he really did hate it) and cried. I had
no idea that he went through so much pain.
As long as I knew him and of all the days I had spent with him, I had no
clue all that he had endured. I learned
so much about his life and felt so much gratitude for his words that brought me
so much comfort and peace and a longing to be with him again. One sentence caught my attention and will
stay with me forever.
“That’s part
of enduring, continuing good things in our lives. Repentance-enduring- means keeping on in the
work of the Lord, keeping on in the work of the Lord right to the end.”
I am so
grateful that because of Him, I know without a doubt how to live each second of
my life. I know who I am. I know where I am going and I know what I
need to do to get back to my heavenly home.
I know that life is going to be hard.
I know that there are times I may want to give up the fight, but I am
going to do the best that I can. I am
going to fight and endure and repent and keep on in this great work…right to
the very end.
Love
Kalee Rae
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